What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 14:02
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was seconnd youngest,
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She married twice! .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Can people who have never met you tell if you are a covert narcissist?
But, we were locked up after school.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
How do I seduce my sister? (I am an Indian) I want to have sex with her.?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
How do I find a transgender girlfriend?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is soul school!.
All the time i was locked up.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Who then, do I blame.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It was going to be , some day.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was in good health!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My life is so biszare .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I don,t even have a pension.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My family never makes their pension either.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i lived it daily.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So, i spoilt her more .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We were not on the streets..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
(And it was in our own minds.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When she asked me how she looked .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
I was 9 years of age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I will be 64.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He knew the spot.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im still living with it.
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I think the readers, may guess!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He resisted the act ,that day.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She loved him until the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.